Horrors of Zulily

It’s no secret that I love shopping for kid’s clothes, and I love a good deal.

Have you ever heard of Zulily? It allegedly combines both of these things. But once you dig past the irresistible sales on Toms and Hanna Andersson, you will find some… alarming? terrifying? downright weird? trends.

Let’s start with the most basic horrors.

Utterly Terrifying Children’s Clothes
Let me be very clear: I buy lots of cute stuff on Zulily. But sometimes, when I think, “hey, let’s see if I can get a cute, cheap Elmo shirt,” I’m visually assaulted by something like this:

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Next, on Sesame Street, Abby Cadabby twinkle thinks…a pain free eyebrow waxing solution? Is this not the stuff of nightmares?

Furthermore, who would pay $69 (original price!) for this? Nobody. That’s who. Stop fooling yourself.

And then there’s this stuff.

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I….what? I want to know what happened in the design room here. What conversation transpired where someone said, “Yes, a creepy baby body with a cat head riding a dolphin. THAT’S what’s going to be our hot seller this year. Mark my words.”

The Truly Bizarre and Useless Home Products
I’ve been shopping on Zulily since they were just a kid and baby gear and clothing site. In more recent years, they’ve expanded to adult clothing and home goods. I’m not sure if this was a good idea.

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Right.  A “planter.” That will not at all be catastrophic next time you have someone at your annual family picnic who has one too many drinks.

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Just what I need! A giant, complicated, hard to wash kitchen unitasker FOR SOMETHING I CAN DO WITH MY HANDS AND A HARD SURFACE.

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Let’s ignore the terrible Photoshopping here for a moment and focus on the fact that nobody gets this excited about dog treats and toilet paper. I love me some Nutella, sure, but I would not grin at a box of it.

Models Who Hate Life
Zulily uses “our friends and family — like you!” as models, so that’s great. But I wonder if they know what they’re getting into.

You can see the “get me out of here, I didn’t sign up to wear these atrocities” seeping out of their pores.

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Generally over it.

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Over it. Embarrassed. Wife probably made him do it, or he was the most Chewbacca-esque guy in the IT department and got dragged in.

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Over it. Will puke on blanket shortly.

(Also, Vanna White has a yarn collection. NOW YOU KNOW. Thanks, Zulily!)

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Even the mannequin refused to show his or her face in this awful poncho/Snuggie duo. OVER IT.

Fake Holidays
Let’s drop the act of trying to shoehorn random products into some sort of themed shop, OK, Zulily? Just take a lesson from Woot and call it a bag of crap, or similar. We don’t care.

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THESE ARE NOT THINGS. Nobody celebrates National Rain Day. NOBODY. Just call the shop “leftover off-brand umbrellas” and call it a day, OK?

I could go on – -the hilarious half-faced models that fall victim to bad photo cropping, the obsession with poop-themed t-shirts for the under 3 set, the children drowning in ruffles and tulle. But why don’t you head over and find them yourself? Godspeed, friends.

Disclaimer: I actually spend way too much money on Zulily and like it a lot.

All images in this post are from Zulily.

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