Did I Love You Enough Today?

There’s no worse feeling than the feeling that you’re not good enough. As your mom, I feel that way sometimes …

In my career.

As a wife.

As your mother.

Because there’s only one of me, you know. I get pulled in so many directions. I’m not saying that to sound like a martyr, either. I love this life. But I need you to know the reality of things that aren’t being said behind that Instagram picture I posted last week.

I work outside of the home. I am a teacher. I love to teach. I try to give 100% of myself to that each day. I am a wife. I try to carve out time for your father & I to reconnect and keep knowing each other in a life that is spent passing like ships in the night most of the time … handing off children & responsibilities to each other. It’s hard stuff, you know!

I’m also a mother. I give probably 110% of myself to this because I can’t even fathom NOT doing that. 

But 100% + 100% + 100% does not equal 300%. It just doesn’t. 

I know this is a common feeling because so many mommas have felt this way before. At night, when I lay my head down to sleep, I often wonder … Did I love you enough today?

When I walk in after a long day, and all three of you begin to either cry or scream my name.

You need me.

I want to scoop you all up in my arms. Did I love you enough today?

As a twin mom (plus one), sometimes I have to choose who to pick up first … I have to think to myself, “who did I pick up last?” Then, I see one of your little hearts break because I didn’t pick you up first. This makes my heart ache. They say you won’t remember these things. But what if you do? I can’t bear the guilt of your little heart breaking in two. Did I love you enough today?

When you’re tearing through the kitchen with your sister’s walker because you’re using it as a race car, did I redirect you & tell you to stop? Or did I drop everything and push into this moment of madness?

When you’re standing on your own for the first time, but you’re crying because you don’t know how to get down. Do I tell you that you’re okay … as I gently ease you back down to the floor? Or do I let you fall down on your own, like babies sometimes do? You’re okay, I know. But did I love you enough today?

When I tell you to clean up your toys, and you have a tendency to say no. You jump up and down loudly {this drives your father nuts}. When you finally oblige, after much debate, you start picking up toys. You find some old goldfish on the ground & offer it to me. Do I embrace the moment & put the dang goldfish in my mouth or do I immediately panic because finding a goldfish on the floor is indicative of my unkept house?

Isn’t this what it’s all about?! When I get on your level without distractions & just

play with you.

Watch you.

Laugh with you.

Did I love you enough today?

I have such a hard time sharing myself with all of you. Not because I love any of you any less than the other. It’s because my love for you is fierce. It’s strong. And it’s SO unending that it physically hurts sometimes. I just want to do it right, ya know?

If there’s ever anything I want you to know, it’s that sometimes my heart gets heavy from the weight of it all. There’s a strong responsibility for mothers and fathers to be present in the lives of their children. As we continue to live in a world filled with doubt, fear, violence and greed, I want you to feel loved enough to make a difference in all of that messiness of the world.

I love you, sweet babies of mine. All of you. I wake up every day thinking about how I can be a better mother to you. And although I may have missed the mark on so many things … I sincerely hope that … gosh darn it … I hope I loved you enough today.