Making Boys into Men

Note: This is the second post in our series entitled “On Being a Dad.” For more posts from this series, click here.

The other day, my son Henry and I were driving through Kansas City when we arrived at a stoplight and Henry asked, “Dad, what’s that man doing?” I looked to my right and saw a panhandler who was visibly twitching as he held a sign that said, “Homeless, please help.” With my son soon turning three years old, I realized then that these types of discussions are going to be more and more frequent. These questions don’t have easy answers. In fact, fatherhood isn’t easy at all.

Before becoming a father, I never really thought about the calculated decisions I would need to make in order to raise my children. Now, it’s almost all I think about. Every week, I seem to read an article that depicts a man’s negative societal actions – whether it be violence, theft, domestic abuse, womanizing, or countless other selfish acts. I can’t help but think the lack of a strong, emotionally available and respected father figure may have played a part in at least some of these events. I hear all the facts and figures about the important role fathers play in their sons’ lives and I try to take that responsibility very seriously.

Now I have two sons, and I realize the magnitude of my responsibility. The historical and pop culture depiction of fathers interacting with their boys is one of toughness and aloofness. But, I want to be a different kind of father. The old mantras of “just rub dirt on it,” “stop crying,” “man up,” or “life is just tough” are not phrases you will hear me say to my sons. All they do is close off emotion and punish its existence. It is important for fathers to exhibit masculinity from time to time, but it is just as important to know and understand when the situation calls for us to be weak and vulnerable. It’s OK to show sadness in the presence of my boys because they’ll know it’s OK for them to be sad, too. Aside from showing emotion, I love my boys up: I hug them, I kiss them, I high-five them, I wrestle with them, and I cuddle them.  They know dad is both physically and emotionally available.

Being a father to my boys is a conscious and constant process of mentoring, training and connecting – all with the goal of helping them become men. If I desire my boys to become responsible and respectful young men, then I need to model that behavior. This means that I need to demonstrate commitment, sacrifice, self-control, responsibility, and accountability. I will teach my boys about respect, trust, loyalty, self-discipline, and compassion.

However, my teaching is worthless if I don’t live by those virtues. This means loving and respecting my wife and showing it daily. It means attending church weekly because that is what we do as a family. This means praying with intention at dinner and before bed, even if my older son’s prayer is always “please go to Disney World again next week.” This means discussing and living by a set of values and morals. This means placing an importance on education and hard work, but also leaving room for failure.

Boys can be still be rough and tumble, but should also know how to care and show love and empathy when necessary. On a daily basis, I let my boys know that I love them through both my words and through nurturing by providing for their daily needs like cooking meals, giving them baths, sitting on the floor playing with toys, reading dozens of books, and helping their mother. Despite conventional wisdom which says that nurturing is primarily mom’s territory, the root meaning of “nurture” is “to protect” – a role that most dads are comfortable with.

So, when my boy saw the panhandler who was down on his luck outside the car window, I calculated my next words – choosing to seize the fatherly opportunity which had presented itself in that moment. I told him, “Henry, he’s going through a tough time right now. He’s probably sad. Let’s pray for him tonight.” Emphatically, my son responded “he’s sad – let’s pray for him, daddy.”

I’m not a perfect father, and I know more difficult days are ahead.

At the end of a long day of work, it’d be much easier to crack open a beer, sit back in a recliner and ignore the demands for attention and play time. But, I challenge fathers of all ages to “man up” and be the kind of father our children deserve.

Shea is the proud father of two boys, Henry (2.5 years) and Clark (3 weeks). He works for Xerox Consultant Company as a Regional Vice President. Shea, a native Minnesotan, loves exploring Kansas City with favorites including picnics at Loose Park, the Kansas City Plaza Library, First Fridays, Wonderscope, and Deanna Rose Farmstead. In the fall, Shea and his family love to spend their weekends at K-State football games.