6 Ways to Avoid Mommy Mid-Day Burn Out

It’s 4:15 on a Tuesday afternoon. We’ve spent an hour outside in the cold weather, as the snow thaws and the ground offers mud puddles for planting stick “trees” (fallen twigs from our enormous maple tree, stuck upright in the mud). Sophie sits at the dinner table working on her 1st grade homework. Jude rolls his Lego cars along the kitchen counter. Sophie’s body contorts sideways, as she makes frustrated sounds from the back of her throat.

“Everything ok?” I ask.

“I. Can’t. Do. It!!” she whines, throwing her head back against the chair in agony.

Jude, who eats continually throughout the day, looks at the chicken and broccoli I’ve pulled out of the refrigerator to make in a casserole for dinner and drawls, “I don’t like thaaaaat.” It’s the moment in the day when a long exhale goes through my lips, and I turn to the counter and send a text: “Leaving work soon?”

If you’re a SAHM, your 8-12 hour day shift has just started. Husband leaves for work at 7 am, and you find yourself in the house again, just like yesterday; perhaps you say to yourself, “I’m going to make this day a good one. I’m going to connect with my kids. Play. I’m not going to look at my phone too often, and I’m not going to yell.” If you’re a single or working mama, you did second shift and about half way through the afternoon, you’re going to feel it, knowing that in two hours, you’ll be headed to pick up the kids at daycare, take them home for the evening to start second shift again. For all the million variations on the work/home mama duty (one for each mother that exists), one thing is simultaneously common and isolating at the same time: the mid-day moments, usually between 3:30 and 5:30 pm, when we find ourselves feeling disconnected and frazzled at the same time. The temptation to reach for either coffee to prop us up or wine to sedate us seems so enticing! Your head feels like it might rise off your shoulders and you find yourself looking for ways to keep it tied down and attentive to your precious little one – not to mention keep yourself from flipping your lid at the 55th Lego that you’ve stepped on in a month, screaming, “pick up your toys!!,” or at your child for asking for screen time … again … yelling, “no!!” so loud the neighbors are embarrassed for you.

What are some ways that you get through the 3:30-5:30 pm Mommy Twilight Zone? If you have a suggestion to share with other moms on how YOU get through your mid-day burnout hours, post a comment below for everyone to see. Here’s six prompts to get us started:

1. Move It or Lose It

Physical activity actually changes your neurological states, causing your brain’s system to create different emotions and behaviors. “Move It or Lose It” is a phrase coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and author of The Whole-Brained Child and the new national bestseller Brainstorm. Go outside, do jumping jacks in the garage, dance around in the middle of the living room with your kids, play airplane and hold them over your head with your legs. Use rocking, swaying, and deep muscle movements (think about the muscle effort it takes to push a vacuum cleaner over a high pile rug) to soothe yourself. Deep breathing fits into this category because of the deep chest muscle work involved in drawing air in and pushing it out. Your brain relies exclusively on the sensory input it gets from your movement (or lack of) to regulate your emotional states, so scan your body for discomfort or tension to determine whether you need to slow down or speed up. In the ALERT Program, an occupational therapy program for teaching kids self-regulation, they use the term “How does your engine run?”  Is your energy running hot (too high, too fast, too pushy) or cold (too low, too slow, too distant) or just right? We Mommies have to be aware of our internal emotional temperatures in order to teach our kids how to do the same!

2. Strike a Pose

Like in Move It or Lose It, your physical posture can change your emotional state, not only communicating to your kids that you’re happy, but actually communicating to yourself that you’re “OK” despite being in the 8th hour of your day! Amy Cuddy, in this awesome TED Talk “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” explains that if you assume a posture for about 2 minutes of confidence or pride (arms in a V-shape above your head, chin up, chest open), you will lower the stress hormone cortisol and increase the feel-good chemicals in your brain – which is the one that causes us to flip our lids at the 55th Lego on the floor. The old adage “fake it ’til you make it” is actually true – so fake a smile … and if you can’t conjure a smile, try holding a pencil between your teeth for a couple of minutes. It will force your lips into a smile.

3. Name it to Tame it

You probably already do this if you send that 4:00 pm text to your partner that says, “are you coming home soon?” Here’s where your phone will come in handy. Using verbal expression to give words for what we feel helps the brain to relax, feeling understood. Social media, texting, and blog forums give a venue for us to connect in a real way with others who can offer empathy. So go ahead and post, update your status, make an anonymous comment with your feelings, send that text to someone you know will respond that says, “I feel so lonely.” This may be a good time to check in with the kids, too, about how they feel (thus teaching self-awareness). Consider hanging a simple feelings faces chart (easily ordered on Amazon or downloaded free on a Google image search) in a common area, then asking yourself to identify your own feelings at 4:00 pm … you might be surprised what mixed feelings you can identify and connect to your circumstances. The simple act of giving language to your internal emotional state tends to have a calming effect because we can see how reasonably connected all our different feelings are.

4. Keep a 4:00 Ritual

Open a window, light candles around the house to prepare for twilight and nighttime, do a five-minute yoga app, or just sit in a special armchair with a fuzzy or weighted blanket (in our house, this is known as the “cuddle chair” which even the kids use to self-regulate). By modeling self-regulation to our kids, we teach them the skills to identify emotions and find ways to meet their needs. Taking a moment to yourself right in front of your kids teaches them self-respect, showing them it’s ok for them to care for themselves. A totally selfless (translate “lack of self-care”) mommy is a mommy who teaches her kids to do the same.

Personally, I reserve my Kava tea for moments when I feel overwhelmed. (Yogi brand is available at Walmart, and each tea bag has an inspiring quote or encouraging phrase on the tag.) It tastes like licorice and warm spices. Kava root has natural calming properties that stimulate the production of GABA neurotransmitters in the brain, responsible for feelings of well-being and peace. I associate the taste of my Kava tea with an older professional mentor in Texas, who told me she uses it for calming. Her modeling this simple self care taught me to recognize my overwhelming moments and reach for a warm, soothing drink. When I drink it, I remember a person who nurtures me, and I feel connected.

5. Create, Laugh and Share

Using the part of your brain that imagines, then translating that creative image or idea into words creates what neuroscientists call “neural integration.” When you feel boxed in by a whining situation, picture a box around you – say 10 feet by 10 feet. First, find one thing inside the box that is beautiful. For example, as I write this blog this afternoon, within the 10 foot radius of me, I notice the cuteness of our dogs ears standing alert as he watches the street through the blinds, the way the light hits the carved wood on our bookshelf, and the way Jude’s voice is still pitched like a child … in a few years, his voice will drop to a man’s, and this little chirp will be a memory. Second, reach your mind outside the 10 foot box, and find something you didn’t notice before. This very moment, I see a red tinge on the ends of the maple tree I mentioned before – a signal that spring is ready to give birth. Then, find a way to express in words or image what you found; for instance, check out Allison French’s way of documenting her everyday moments and re-framing them as “precious” in her first blog post Photographing the Everyday. For a good laugh, check out how one mom, Deva Dalporto, takes out her burnout blues online with “What Does the Fox Say?” and the Disney hit song “Let It Go.” She suggests taking a moment to pee without flushing, so the kids won’t know … showering at noon … putting on your yoga pants and accepting the saggy boobs and all … saying “I can’t do that right now”…

6. Snort Oxytocin like Cocaine

Just kidding. Touch research has exploded lately! Did you know that touch and massage is known to increase oxytocin in your body and increase in your immune system function? Tiffany Fields, a leading researcher at the Touch Research Institute in Miami studying the effects of massage on infants and Alzheimer’s patients, has found incredible results in memory, immune system functioning, and executive function in the brain. Your heart has receptors for oxytocin, the well-known cuddle hormone, which cause your central nervous system to relax and circulate oxygen through your blood much more efficiently than when you’re stressed out. When you have oxygen circulating through your body efficiently, you can self regulate your emotions and calm your anxiety. You also tend to use the empathetic parts of your brain more readily with high levels of oxytocin, making you less likely to explode at your kids when they grate on your nerves. Say goodbye to the mommy meltdown! The added bonus is that you will be drawn to your children. Oxytocin stimulates your desire to bond and connect with those you love. You will then stimulate oxytocin in your children’s bodies, and they will be more self regulated, too. Say goodbye to kid whining! Try sustaining a hug or hold your kiddos for at least 15 seconds and ask them to SQEEEEEEEZZZE you back! If you can’t bring yourself to hug your kids because they’re covered in an unidentifiable substance, don’t worry, your doctor can prescribe you oxytocin spray you can snort up your nose like cocaine. Oh yea, and there’s a scene in Desperate Housewives when Lynette Scavo gives in to a mid-day glass of wine while her three boys catapult off the couch arm into the couch cushions. At 5:00 pm, give yourself permission to be a grown up – and have a glass of wine poured for when your partner gets home from work!

Post below to share ideas for other KC moms! How do you manage your mid-afternoon burnout?