I’ve never been one to see the world through rose-colored glasses (pink isn’t my color), so I went into parenthood very aware of the toll that kids can have on marriages. I had heard depressing stories from my friends and read statistic after statistic in articles like this one that states that 67% of couples experience a big drop in marital satisfaction following the birth of baby #1 and that couples really don’t gain that level of happiness again until the youngest kid moves out of the house.
I was perfectly fine skipping steps A and B and going straight to C – no kids in the house. Why ruin a good thing? No kids? No problem.
But we felt called to become parents, so when we adopted our son, I very reluctantly bid adieu to our marital bliss. Goodbye to constant date nights! I think we’ve had three in the last two years. Ciao to traversing the world as independent explorers! Trips now go over the river, through the woods, and on a plane ride to see the grandparents. Farewell to alone time, spur of the moment, and just a little bit of privacy, please. Doubt that one needs further explanation.
Determined not to let this toll destroy the bond that we had, I sought advice and practical tips from multiple sources; what I found was mostly centered around the idea of treating your relationship as you did before you became parents. Court each other. Find your inner young lover. Try to see your spouse as you did when you walked down the aisle. What you had then is where it’s at, so do whatever you can to not let this first love be snuffed out by play-doh and primary colors.
This prescription for worn-out relationships makes a lot of sense to me. I still want flowers and to be told that I’m beautiful. I like to hold hands on a walk, and I crave time for the two of us to spend alone.
But as much fun as it is to try to relive the early moments of the relationship – the sparks, the butterflies, the fireworks – there are a couple of problems that I see in taking this approach to saving love:
1. You’re living in the past. If you’re constantly trying to create the present to be like the past, then now will always disappointment you. You’ll be frustrated when your attempts to woo – as if you’ve just met – don’t spark that same old flame. Being intentional about loving your husband or wife is absolutely needed, but there must be an expectation that as much fun as it is to experience the newness of love, by its very nature it cannot be found again. Sure, you can learn new things about your spouse or find new feelings, but familiarity and known flaws will forever taint the untouched ground of first falling in love.
2. You’re cheating yourself out of the now. The pre-mom girl that fell in love with the boy who would become my husband was taken aback by his kindness, intelligence, generosity, and good looks; but what that girl could never have known was the amazing dad that boy was to become. I find myself in awe as he patiently helps our son through the challenges of homework … I love giggling with him over things like hearing our son sing Michael Jackson’s hit “Jelly Bean is not my lover.” My heart melts when I see him put his arms around my son each night before bed. I’m thankful for the ways he disciplines in a firm yet loving manner, and I am able to see him through the eyes of a boy that looks up to his dad as a hero.
The pre-mom girl who fell for the boy could never anticipate the way she’d be drawn to the man who would be an incredible father to her son. Sure, I must continue to work on showing my husband love in practical ways – but to bind our relationship to the early days would cheat it out of the love I have for the dad he’s become today. For all that is said about kids ruining marriages, I don’t love my husband despite the fact that we’re parents, I love him all the more for it.
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