I Chose Motherhood Over Friendship

Holly (not her real name) and I had been friends for four years. We were Army officers together and had supported each other while deployed in Iraq. We both got out of the Army, found civilian jobs and bought homes close to each other. To say we were “tight” is an understatement. We spent every free moment together, our husbands got along, she met my parents, we had even vacationed together…until one day I gave her some news that would ultimately end our relationship.

I was pregnant.

It was that time in our lives when most our friends were married and some were choosing to start a family. Holly was unsure whether she wanted to have children as her career as an eEngineer was just taking off. She had just finished grad school and was kicking butt at her firm.

I was different. Although driven, I had always had the goal of having a family and children. Holly tried to be supportive at first. She really, truly did! She went shopping with me for baby stuff (Holly loved shopping) and threw me a shower, even though it wasn’t really “her thing.”

The last interaction I had with her stands out in my mind to this day. We were eating lunch at Nordstrom. I’m not really a Nordstrom girl anymore. I used to be, but Holly lived at Nordstrom. I had brought my newborn (1 month at the time). Holly insisted that I needed a “girls day” but I was still nursing and – at this point in motherhood – didn’t want to be away from my baby. She begrudgingly accepted the terms that I bring my baby but insisted we drive separately in case of a disaster. Still new to motherhood – an afternoon out was very stressful.

We sat to eat lunch, and my new baby was fussy. Nothing was making her happy and my friend balked at me wanting to nurse her while we sat to eat our salads. Lunch went terribly as my baby continued to be fussy despite my best efforts. A seasoned mother would have told me to throw in the towel but Holly wanted to shop for a dress for a work event, and I wanted to support her. I wanted to show her that I could handle motherhoo,d and we could still be the same old friends, like old times.

My baby calmed down but Holly didn’t. She became frustrated with me as I tried to navigate my stroller around the racks of clothing. She rolled her eyes as a number of people approached to look at my new baby, speak to her in a funny voice and then tell me about their experience with babies and motherhood.

Holly is from the East Coast, she is driven and I had never met a woman like this in my whole life. I really did love her. I wish we could have stayed friends and I’m sure she’s annoyed at all the social media posts I have about my children, who now consume much of my life. I support her in her endeavor to pursue career and forgo children. Who knows… maybe she was right!

But I fell head over heels for these kids once they entered my life, and I’ll never look back. I wish her wild success and I respect her choice. I wish our friendship meant more to her so that she could respect my choice.

Empowered women empower women.