I started doing it, little by little, after my fourth baby started outgrowing things. Mostly, it was clothes that I knew I wasn’t ever going to hand down to another little baby boy because I just couldn’t get brave enough to get rid of the big stuff.
The crib. The swing. The highchair. The bouncer. The nursing pillow. The breast pump.
All the things that I had held onto and used with each one of my baby boys, things that signified a specific season of life that I found myself in almost every two years (give or take a few months).
But they were just that…things. Material items. Stuff that I didn’t have much use for anymore. But that stuff held so much sentimental value to me that it was hard to let go. So…I didn’t.
When he was too big for the swing and bouncy seat, they made their way into the storage in our basement. All the burp cloths, swaddle blankets and various other blankets and baby drop-cloths ended up in a tupperware container next to the swing and bouncy seat. And they sat.
I thought about those things often. I’d have to venture into the storage room for one thing or another and the baby stuff just sat there looking at me, which got me wondering things. Wondering if I should just get a grip, stop hoarding, and toss them out. Wondering if I’d ever find use for them again. And if I did, I’d wonder if it would be for another one of my own little humans, or maybe for the next generation. Then I’d wonder if I was crazy for wondering any of those things. So, I’d turn off the light and walk away – from the stuff and from my thoughts.
Eventually, those thoughts came too often and were too loud, to0 quiet. My feelings were too much to keep inside. And more than two years after the what-I-thought-was-the-last baby was born, our baby girl was born to officially finish up our family.
As my belly grew with her growing within, the stuff came back out along with new stuff, too – because after four boys, a little pink had to be thrown into the mix. The baby things were back out, and I was happy – everything got to be used just one more time.
But, now I’m at that point, again, where the stuff has no more use to us.
Even though it is most definitely not ever going to happen again for us – the having another baby thing – I will admit that part of me wants to hang onto the baby stuff for my babies’ babies. I know that years from now almost all of the stuff we use now will probably be too dangerous or unsafe for those future babies, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to hang onto those things. But why? WHY do I want to hang onto those things? I know we are done with babies. I know my kids will probably not want more than half of what I want to hang onto!
It’s the sentiment – it’s the fact that that chapter has officially closed in our family’s life. It was a chapter that meant big changes in our life. A chapter that brought so much love and wonder into it. A chapter that was long and sometimes tough to get through, but always worth it in the end. A chapter that lasted years – years that are hard to give up and that are hard to accept are over. It was the chapter of our babies… who just aren’t babies anymore. Yet, as much as I will always look at my kids and see them as my babies, I know they have outgrown that phase of their life, as well as all of the stuff.
And so… one piece after another, I am letting go of the things… getting rid of the baby stuff. The bouncer has made its round to a few friends, and friends of friends. The swing found itself at home with another friend. The clothes are given to this person or that – whoever needs that size or season. I don’t even know who ended up with the breastpump. And the crib – the one that held all of my babies over the course of over 10 years – even that is gone. I couldn’t bring myself to trash it, nor cut it up and build it into something else to keep. Instead, it went to a dear family who could use it and could appreciate the sentiment attached to it.
There are a few items that I will hold onto forever, because I refuse to completely close that chapter of our life. It was a great one that I want to re-live over and over. So, I’ll just dog-ear it with those few items that I will occasionally get out to inhale the scent of my babies, or those few items that I will hopefully get to see my grandchildren use or play with.
