Coping With Sleep Deprivation

I have a newborn.  Isn’t he cute?

Is he still cute when I tell you that this picture was taken in the 3 a.m. hour?

I also have a “morning person” toddler, a dog who takes up far more of the bed than a 22-pound beagle ever should, and a jerk of a cat that wants breakfast at 4 a.m. every day.

So, you could say that I’m an expert at being sleep deprived. Here are my tips for coping.

Definitely do not become a Starbucks Gold Card Member. Caffeine will probably cause you to crash miserably and cause your breastfed infant to be irritable and eventually grow up to be a fanny-pack wearing adult with terrible taste in music.

Exercise will make you feel almost insufferably peppy, so you should definitely do lots of it in all your spare time. I personally like to wake up at 5 a.m. to be yelled at via DVD by a blonde chick with boobs who don’t leak milk when they see a cow on a Chick-fil-a billboard after a 2-4 a.m. “I pooped and I’m angry” party.

Don’t send angry texts to your husband in the middle of the night as he blissfully snoozes beside you while your nipple is used as a chew toy for a teething baby. (They can be used as evidence against you in court.)

Hire a night nanny! Thanks to watching endless hours of Bravo so-called reality shows on maternity leave, I now know this is a thing. Forget about the staggering costs of daycare for two, and, you know, feeding your family. Sleep is much more important.

Do not buy random things on the Amazon app in the middle of the night. It will be very confusing when you open up those AquaGlobes a few days later, especially because you are allergic to most house plants anyway.

Don’t get addicted to mindless cell phone games or stupid TV shows. Spend your middle of the night wake-up time catching up on War and Peace, learning Mandarin Chinese or writing polite but angry letters to politicians. Use the extra time to your advantage — don’t be a slacker.

Eat a healthy diet. Trail mix is not a food group. Wine, however, is made from grapes, and grapes are a fruit, and fruits and vegetables are definitely a food group.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go nap.