Your First Day of School

You are my first. I am learning to be a mother because of you. You’ve taught me more about myself and about life than anyone ever has. We are about to begin an entirely new chapter. This is such a big change for both of us. I am not ready for it. But here we go.

Like most of the other moms, I feel like I am not ready for this, despite how tough I have been acting. But I want you to know that I promise I am not going to cry. I’m going to walk you to the door, hug you, kiss you goodbye, and tell you I’ll be here waiting when you’re done. I’ll watch you as you hang up your bag and start your first day of school. You’ll take one last little peek at me through the window. Then your new adventure begins.

Grow free, and learn. Learn everything.

As hard as it is for me to walk back to the car, I am so excited for you to learn. To take all the amazing interests you have and start exploring them. I am so grateful to live in such an amazing school district. I hope you know how lucky you are to begin your education. I wish I could tell every teacher thank you. A million times. I am grateful to live in a place where my daughter receives such an amazing education. I want you to know there are so many who fight for the right for girls like you to have such an amazing opportunity. Take this education you are getting, and go change the world! Know how lucky you are to have the privilege of an education.

I promise you won’t see me cry, but once I’m back in the car after that drop off my tears will flow. I am flooded by the questions of did I do enough. I am not worried about how many letters you know, or if you can write your name. I know your teacher has me covered there. (Thank you, teachers!) I am worried about if I spent enough time with you. Did I work to many hours? Did I use screen time to distract you so I could get my stuff done to many times? Did we not snuggle enough? I look back on all this time we have had together and I feel like I may have wasted so many precious moments with you. So many times I felt relieved when you went without me on adventures so I could have a moment to breath. Those days are all bombarding me now you’ll be away from me all day. I wish I could rewind and start over.

I am worried about your feelings, your heart, your innocence. You have asked if there were bullies. I hope with all the amazing moments we have had, all the love of community you are surrounded with, all the positive role models in your life, that kindness  has shaped the person you will become. Yes, there will be bullies, you may even get caught up and be one. Be kind, show kindness, give kindness. The change starts with you. I know you will do the right thing, I know you will be a good friend, I know you will stand up for others. This is what I have prepared you most for. And this is what I struggle the most with. Be kind. Always.

Sending you to kindergarten has been one of the most bittersweet starts of a chapter to our story. When you’re gone during the day I think about you, wondering what fun thing you are learning, hoping you are being attentive, and that you’re kind. I wish I could peek in and witness your day. But I know you are learning, growing, and being amazing.

I count the hours down to your return, anxious to hear all about your day. I can’t wait to hug you. To know your day was good. I promise you won’t see me cry but I will. I miss the days of your little baby snuggles. Time needs to slow down, but I know it never will. Off to school you go. Your first day. You can do this. I can do this.