Today I was a bad mom.
I screamed. I yelled. I threatened. I gave second… and third… and fourth chances.
I slammed doors. I argued.
Time-out didn’t help.
I held them. I laid with them. I rubbed their backs. I played with their hair. I sang songs. I read books. I danced.
I lost it. There were tears.
All I wanted was a minute TO MYSELF. ONE. MINUTE.
I legit text those words to a friend one night after the kids went to bed.
And as I laid my head down to sleep that night, the guilt overtook me. I immediately thought about how much I loved my kids, how sorry I was for acting that way, and if anything ever happened to them, I wouldn’t ever be able to live with myself.
I mean, is this real life now? Why do I do this to myself? I replayed the night over and over.
What could I have done differently?
Should I have given more time? Attention? Love? Patience? Should I have done a craft or practiced fine motor skills? I could have just played with them in the basement. Should I have built a fort? Another game of peek-a-boo? Maybe THAT would have helped. Yes, I wish I would have done that. Or maybe I should have read that parenting book that is half-read and collecting dust on the shelf downstairs?
The coulda, woulda, shoulda self talk is KILLIN’ ME! I’ve written before about how I wonder if I’ve loved my kids enough, but lately I’m just tryyyyynnnna hold it all together!
Mommas, have you ever just forgiven yourself? Truly forgiven yourselffor all of your ‘wrongdoings?’
After I text my sweet friend those words, her response to me was something I’ll cherish forever and just had to share:
“You were not a bad mom. You were a mom, trying to hold it all together and be everything for everyone simultaneously. Sounds like you were a pretty good mom to me. Forgive yourself immediately. They don’t love you any less…”
And you KNOW what?!
So quit letting the negative self talk steal your joy of motherhood. >>>This is more of a command to myself, rather than try to tell anyone else what to do.<<<
Stuff happens. We’re human. I don’t care if you’re a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. Raising humans is hard stuff.
And while we’re holding hands, rubbing backs, giving kisses, potty training, cuddling, disciplining, reprimanding, reminding, repeating, cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, tying shoes, changing diapers, feeding, making bottles, picking up toys, and finding misplaced items… some of us married, some of us single, we have to remember that although we do superhuman things (seriously don’t know how that’s done sometimes), we’re only human.
Mothers are special people. Once you’re a mom, nobody can ever take that title away from you. I think about my own mother, and my mother-in-law, and other mommas who have loved me like their own daughter.
I want to be like them.
I want to give my children a mother to look up to.
We’re all CHOSEN to be mothers. On a road, doing this thing together. The coolest thing, I think, is having social media to be able to connect our hearts like never before!
By the grace of God, I am a mother to three, and I’m more full of love and life with my children than I ever was on my own. It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience frustration. It just means that I’ve learned how to move forward, learning to deal with the blunders that creep in sometimes. It also means I get to experience the gift of opening my heart up so wide, my soul is crushed with the widest and deepest kind of love I’ve ever known.
But it’s OK to lose it, get angry, or even become acquainted with the ol’, “when I count to three…” trick.
Just don’t stay in that place of negativity for long. Find your tribe, let the peace of tomorrow (or knowing bedtime is coming soon) wash over you. Take a deep breath, and know YOU GOT THIS.
But most importantly…
Forgive yourself, momma.