I Want It All

A few weeks ago, I lost it on my way home from work. By lost it, I mean one second I was driving and the next I was driving and doing the ugly cry. You know the type of cry I’m talking about.

It was Friday, and it had been a really hard week at work. Lots of deadlines, big meetings , stress and overall frustration. Throw on top of that the busy schedule of weeknight hustle at our house with three kiddos and their activities. Oh, and the fact that I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. You know when you just hit that point, and it’s like you don’t even know what’s happening but you have so many emotions happening that all that helps is a cry? That was what I was feeling at that moment. 

For me, there is usually a trigger moment that causes the meltdown. This time, the trigger was a text from my husband. I had sent him a text when I was leaving work late {again} and asked him if he could pick up our youngest. I was super late in asking for help… like there was only 15 minutes left before we are supposed to pick up our youngest from our wonderful in home provider… and I work almost exactly 15 minutes from her house. So to be fair, I didn’t give him much time to actually go pick him up and this was the second, or maybe third, time that I had done that to him this week. All his text said was “this seriously has to stop,” meaning exactly what it sounds like… because it did need to stop.

I’m a somewhat rational person and if I put myself in his shoes, I would not be very happy either. After I had calmed down and made it through my older kid’s spring celebration at preschool, we actually had the chance to talk about it. And, of course, I started crying again, but what I was trying to explain to him was hard. Not only was it hard to explain, but it was even harder for him to understand. 

I want it all. As in, I wanted to be at work that afternoon finishing what needed to get done and meeting the deadlines that my team and I had, but I also WANTED to pick my kids up that day. Because that’s also my job. My husband takes them to school and I pick them up. And when the stress and deadline of work lasted 15 minutes later than it should have and I had to ask him for help…it’s not because I feel like I can’t ask him for him. That’s not it. It’s because I want to be both places at once. So so bad. I know so many other ladies feel the same way, too.

However, we all know that is impossible. We can want to do it all and be it all and be everything to everyone. We can want to be the rockstar mom, friend, wife, partner, sibling, employee, business owner, etc. Whatever hat you’re wearing at whatever moment of whatever day, you want to be present in that moment and role and make those around you feel as though what you’re doing right then is the most important thing. Some having it all examples…

I want to drop my kids off at school AND rock an 8 a.m. meeting in style.

I want to be able to make every event and party at school and every important meeting and deadline.

I want to be 100% mentally present with my kids/husband and 100% mentally present at work.

I want to be the first one to pick my kids up and have everything crossed off my work and life to do list for the day.

I want to know every word to every song my kids love and every answer to the questions my boss asks.

I want to love and cherish my time at home and be thankful for my adult time at work.

I want to be that SUPER fun and supportive friend and that SUPER dependable and trusted coworker – and all those things as a mom.

I want to throw the Pinterest worthy birthday parties, and I also want 8 hours of sleep at night.

I want a clean house and empty laundry baskets, and I want to binge watch trashy TV shows.

I want date nights and girls nights out, and I also want my alone time.

I want to spend quality time with my husband, family and friends and build relationships with those on my team at work.

I want to feel good when I put my clothes on, and I also really want to eat chips and guacamole for every meal.

But guess what? All those situations that I mention above, it NEVER works that way; I’ve learned that over the last almost six years as a mom and almost thirty three years as a woman. We want it all, but in every moment of every day, we cannot have and be all that we want. We make decisions the best we can. We choose to leave work a little early one day and stay late the next two. We go to that girl’s night out on a weeknight and then skip our trashy TV for the next three nights in an attempt to catch up on sleep. We feel like a rockstar mom one minute and then the next minute they are hitting you and calling you a poopy head and you’re like “where did I go wrong?” We try our best to be that fun, supportive dependable friend or family member and then words are spoken that make you feel like you have completely failed them.

We can’t have it all… at least not all at the same time; it’s going to ebb and flow. We determine what our individual “all” really is as we grow and change. Our marriages and relationships will change along with our families and careers. And that definition of having it “all” will change with it.

The best advice I can give to others is to embrace that change and your personal definition of having it “all”. Know your limits and give yourself the grace you deserve to be all the things you want and strive to be – just don’t try to do them all at once! Realize that some days you are going to be on top of the world, while some days nothing will go right (embrace that and go to bed early on those bad days). Define your “all” as you like and rock it like nobody else…and with that attitude, no one can stop you.

Oh… and ugly cry every once and a while. It really does help.

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One Response to I Want It All

  1. Tanya May 8, 2018 at 10:26 am #

    I’m sorry you had a rough week, I’ve been there. But I disagree with you. You do have it all. You have a job you seem enjoy, a partner husband, and healthy children-with another on the way-congrats! What you don’t have is perfection, but nobody has that. Life is messy. And you cannot take the best part of every person and situation without including the struggle to get there. Ugly cry as much as you need, mama. You’re doing it, you’re doing it ALL. And don’t forget this is the only way of life your kids know and I’m guessing they think it is awesome (and you and their father too)!