This year, I am reclaiming Mother’s Day. Seventeen years ago, on Mother’s Day weekend, I had to drive home from college to tell my mom that I was raped. As a parent, I can’t imagine the confusion, anger and pain she was feeling.
My mom was very open with me growing up. We had open conversations about sex and it wasn’t a taboo subject. We discussed consent and we talked openly about the college lifestyle. We had constant conversations on how to protect myself from sexual assault. To be honest, I just didn’t think it could happen to me. I guess I had a false sense of security.
Now, I am finding myself raising boys and we discuss respect, consent, and healthy boundaries almost daily. I try to explain boundaries, unwanted touching and consent in ways their 9 year-old and 3-year-old minds can understand. I sometimes feel like I can go overboard. We have daily conversations about asking permission before touching or hugging someone, never forcing someone to hug, touch, or kiss you or vice versa and the importance respecting the word “No.”
I’m not going to lie; I am scared. Am I doing enough to teach my sons not to be assaulters? Am I sharing too much with them at such a young age? Am I helping them understand consequences?
My sexual assault was not random. In fact, I had know him since 7th grade. He wasn’t a stranger in an alley or someone I just met. In fact, he was a very familiar person who took advantage of a situation. I’m still terrified when I think about it. The cycle is no where near over. It’s going to happen again to someone else.
I’m trying to do my part by raising two men who understand and respect consent. I’m trying to have constant conversations with them in order to raise my sons to not be the assaulters. In fact, when they both are old enough the conversations will turn more direct. We will have an intimate conversation. The conversation you must have with your sons. The one where I say, “I love you, but no matter how a woman dresses or acts or how much she has had to drink, it is not an invitation to rape her.”
I encourage you to take back Mother’s Day with me and have a conversation with your son about respect, consent, and healthy boundaries. Let’s work together as mothers and create open communication with our son’s. Maybe, we moms can stop the cycle.
Yes. And I’m so sorry this happened to you.