The Love Language Struggle

When I was first introduced the the idea of love languages I assumed it was some book that old married couples read to figure out how to communicate. Young and naive I scoffed at the idea of ever having to know and understand what they mean. Now I’m obsessed. OK maybe obsessed is a strong word, more like fascinated.  

I naturally find people interesting, and have been known to ask nosy questions in my quest to figure them out. So when I finally learned what the five love languages actually are and what they mean for each individual, I was an instant believer. Knowing what my husband sees as love, and how he shows it himself, has made a world of difference in our marriage. Vice versa, having him understand that I would rather come home to a clean kitchen than a box of chocolates has lead to many happy greetings when I walk in the door.

If you do not fluently speak the languages of love (gasp!), let me fill you in. They are, in the most basic of terms, the five ways people understand and communicate emotional love. You can even take a quick quiz to determine your top two here. Mine are acts of service, and words of affirmation. My husband has been known to compliment me while unloading the dishwasher, causing my emotional receptors to explode with little heart eye emojis.

Now here’s where I admit I kinda suck at some of these languages. While my husband’s are pretty similar to mine, words of affirmation and quality time, I still struggle at times to clearly speak them. Sure we’ve gotten better at communicating our needs and expressing our emotional thoughts after eight years of marriage. Yet with the busy hustle and bustle of the everyday, coupled with peer exhaustion, it’s often easier by default to spend our time together staring at the TV or our phones rather than real quality time connecting. There are times when I will think about how much I appreciate something he has done, but fail to actually tell him.  

The hardest one for me? Physical touch. Ugh. I’m not the type to hold hands or cuddle or give hugs… it’s just not natural to me. If it weren’t for my husband’s insistence that we kiss goodbye, I would probably just throw him a peace sign every morning as we dash off our separate ways. Thankfully, he’s much better at speaking that language, and working his darnedest to get me to come around. 

Then there’s the kids. Oh how I think about their languages and constantly try to figure them out. I feel the need to expose them to all five in hopes that they feel loved in whatever way they receive it best. Affirming words, giving them my undivided attention, hugs and holding hands, cake pops from Starbucks, gluing together a broken toy… I’ve done it all. With them it’s easy, and it doesn’t take much in return for me to feel their love.

I know as they grow this will change, and their specific languages will begin to become more obvious.  And if their top one just happens to be physical touch, well I guess a few more hugs won’t kill anyone. But still, that dishwasher isn’t going to unload itself.

Stephanie
Stephanie lives in Shawnee with her husband and two crazy redheaded children, Jack (7) and Allison (4). When she’s not working full time as an aviation meteorologist, or trying to stop her kids from fighting, she enjoys running, knitting, attempting to bake, cheering on the Huskers (#GBR!), and catching up on her DVR. You'll often find her dragging her kids and husband to breweries around KC in search of the best IPAs the city has to offer. You can follow her day-to-day snippets on Instagram (@stephavey).