A little over three years ago, I gave birth to my first son. Since then, I’ve learned a lot about motherhood, particularly what it means to be a mother. A mother should have more than just the matching DNA or parental authority by title. Mothers stick around. They roll up their sleeves, elbows deep in life, and guide their children through the good and bad.
I was raised by my paternal grandparents for the first half of my life, then my aunt and uncle for the high school years. My mom and I haven’t spoken in years. People talk about toxic relationships and how sometimes it’s necessary to rid yourself of them. But people rarely think there is validity in toxic relationships being between a mother and daughter. I get it. It’s uncommon. It’s not “normal”. But it happens.
Mother’s Day was the worst. Everyone was excited to give their moms heartfelt crafts with mushy sayings. I didn’t want to participate in the school crafts. I didn’t want to write the mushy cards. I didn’t know what having a mom was like. Mother’s Day was the reminder that my mom chose not to be part of my life. I could not relate to sappy mother/daughter memories, nor did I feel the thankfulness daughters express to their moms.
I’ve always loved children, and wanted my own. When it became a reality, I was scared. I didn’t want to make my mom’s mistakes. I didn’t want my kids to feel the neglect I felt. I didn’t want her temper. What I quickly learned was this: YOU write your own motherhood story. You may always carry your past with you, but it does not have to define your future. When I looked my sweet babies in the face for the first time, I felt something indescribable. I knew in those moments, I would be my own kind of mother. I would never neglect them. Every once in awhile, the feelings of doubt arise, and I just pray louder than the lies I hear.
I realize more than ever, being a mother doesn’t mean just giving birth to a child. In fact, there are great mothers out there to children they didn’t even birth. Being a mother is a lifelong blessing you commit to, under the responsibility of raising your child to reach their full potential. Being a mother is loving your child unconditionally, teaching them morally, immense patience, and overwhelming joy.
I’m thankful for many “mothers” in my life, from grandmothers to aunts, who gave me the right picture of what a mother should be. Mamas sacrifice of themselves and harbor a continuous relationship w/their child(ren). They choose to be hands-on, staying through the blood, sweat, and tears. They choose to adopt/foster, giving love and a chance to children who wouldn’t have had it otherwise.
A toxic mother-daughter relationship doesn’t dictate the kind of mother you are or will be. Let go of the past you fear and establish the future you want with your own kids.
A little over three years ago, I started looking forward to Mother’s Day.
