A few years ago I read a National Geographic article about what Americans will look like in 2050, exploring the trend toward cultural and racial mixing. The faces in the accompanying photographs featured goldeny hazel eyes and olive mocha skin framed by thick, shiny hair. I thought to myself, I wonder what it would be like to be part of a biracial family. Honest to God. Like, it did not even occur to me that I AM part of a biracial family, and we are raising a biracial child. By and large, it’s just such a non-issue that it’s not part of our daily life, save two constant sources of anxiety – fear and ignorance.
My husband, Eugene, is from southeastern India. He’s tall, dark and handsome. For real. I’m from south KC – specifically Grandview. I am short, white and smiley. We’ve been together for 17 years and our son, Clark, was born in 2011. He has Eugene’s brown eyes, my turned-up nose, both of our full lips, two crazy cowlicks and gorgeous mocha skin.
My experiences raising a biracial child seem to fall into three categories…the Amusing, the Educational, and the Unsettling.
The Amusing
One of my girlfriends is also the Caucasian half of a biracial couple. Her husband is Cambodian and their kids look like an awesome mix of both of their parents, just as Clark looks like a bit of me and a bit of Eugene. My friend and I took our kids to McDonald’s and a woman asked us if we were the nannies. “Nope.” Then they’re adopted? “Nope. Biological. Those two are hers, this one is mine.”
Clark was three when he declared that he has “Mommy on one side and Daddy on the other side” of his hands. His light palms are Mommy and the rich, brown backs of his hands are Daddy. He later found that Mommy is also on the bottoms of his feet. Honestly, this one just might fall into the category of The Sweetest.
The Educational
We are in the heart of JoCo, where it can sometimes feel stiflingly white. When he was four, I enrolled Clark in a summer camp at my childhood church in south KCMO. After his first day, Clark said, “Mommy, there were kids like me in my class!” What do you mean, ‘kids like me,’ baby? “Brown kids like me!” In my experience, kids of every race see color, but usually as a physically distinguishing feature or as a coveted uniqueness, like when his friends point out their friend Clark as “the brown one” in a crowd or marvel at his killer tan.
Some of Clark’s most beloved brothers-from-another-mother live just across the street. As I chauffeured Clark and one of these boys, I eavesdropped and missed the beginning, but started listening when Clark responded, “No, that’s just the way I am because I’m half Indian, remember?” The (completely Caucasian) friend replied that, unlike Clark, he was 100% Indian. “Dude, no you’re totally not,” came Clark’s reply. “Your mom and dad aren’t from India!”
The Unsettling
Just last week we were at a very small restaurant in the Ozarks with our extended family. As we waited for our food, Clark and his cousins entertained themselves by stacking creamers. After a few minutes, the cook came out to address our table and sternly said, “Could you please not allow your kids to play with the creamers? They are for everyone to use.” While parents of Caucasian kids might just think, wow, that’s a little over the top, I immediately thought, did she just come out here to say that because my kid is brown? I wasn’t the only one – my dad and sister-in-law both thought the same thing.
We live in south Overland Park, just a few miles from Austin’s Bar and Grill where Shrinivas Kuchibhotla and Alok Madasani were shot by a man who mistook the two Indian men for Iranian. That incident shook me to my core and is the source of my ever-present, shove-it-down-and-don’t-be-ridiculous fear that Clark or Eugene will one day be persecuted or harmed because they are brown.
This is truly the hardest thing for me about raising a brown child in the suburban Midwest – fear and ignorance. My son’s skin is brown, one set of his grandparents live in India and the other in Overland Park, he loves math, holds an American passport and flosses and dabs just like every other seven-year-old I know. But there will be people who only see his brown-ness and perceive it as something to fear. It breaks my heart to even think about it.
As Eugene and I continue to navigate nurturing a little boy who happens to be biracial, we have lots of conversations about Clark’s dad’s Indian heritage and have traveled to India and Malaysia for Clark to meet his family and help him understand that he comes from many parts of the world. We read books (The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler is a favorite) and talk openly about skin color and loving ourselves and others exactly as we are, while being curious and interested and appreciative of how different people can be.
Are you raising a biracial child? I’d love to hear about your experiences and resources in the comments!
Congratulations on a well-written and heartachingly real article. I’m Filipina (raised on Guam and Texas) and hubby is Caucasian with roots that go back at least to the Americans Revolution and a little old village in the middle of Sicily. Our child is a beautiful blend of cultures, inside and out. (She isn’t as dark as me nor as light as her dad) When she was born, a neighbor and I joked that we would need T-shirts saying “I’m not the nanny” just to walk our strollers in our WASPy neighborhood in San Antonio. Thankfully we have lived and traveled elsewhere before moving to the Midwest so she’s lived around other cultures… Our neighbors in Germany were mostly German with a sprinkle of ethnically Austrian, Polish, Turkish, and Russian. They all adored the little American girl… funny how they didn’t see color but citizenship… Often we are among a handful at a local event who are brown (& the others are on stage) but if anyone notices, they don’t say or do anything to me or her. Benefits of her ability to tan well: She’s an Irish dancer who will hopefully never have to use fake tanner before going onstage as she progresses in a dance sport that she loves.
Keep educating your friends. You’re all doing a great job!
You’re a phenomenal mom. Clark’s zeal for life is contagious. I wish we lived in a society that could operate fully out of love and appreciation for the many ways we act, talk and look different from each other. We can hold onto the hope. Love you and your sweet smiley boy!
As a biracial now adult, thank you so much for sharing. You hit it right on the target with all of my same thoughts about my own son, my brothers and myself. Growing up in the 80s and 90s there were not so many biracial kids. And we stuck out like a sore thumb in shawnee mission schools early on.
Although, my son is much lighter than me, I do get comments when he starts to tan in the summer more. I’m ashamed to say when some dark and scary story happens I’m almost glad my son is lighter than me. No one should ever have this thought come to mind.
Again thank you and this brought tears to my eyes.
Excellent read! I, too, have been mistaken for the “nanny” lol. Loved reading this!
It’s a weird feeling, isn’t it, Erin?!?
I’m Indian and my husband is white, blonde blue eyes. I’ve been asked if I’m my children’s nanny only a couple of times. Lol.
However, on a serious note, I must add, I’ve also had infinite amount of lovely people randomly walk over to me at the malls, stores or restaurant tables and given generous compliments to my kids as to how beautiful they look. But I live in Southern California and their unique looks with the olive complexion is much admired in this part of the region. Most of the times, people are smart and instantly telll me with a question in their tone…’they are mixed kids, right?”
It’s been a nice experience to have ‘mixed looking’ kids.
Loved this read! We are raising 3 biracial kids, I am American with Mexican parents married to an American with Irish/American parents. My kids are lighter than I am which is nice, I have been mistaken for their nanny. And have comments mostly from my mil, she thinks my kids look sooo Mexican and I believe that bothers her. My kids are like any toddlers they love everyone and don’t really notice a difference between themselves and their blonde haired/blue eyed cousin. I hope they dont ever see what my mil sees.