Surviving Year 7

My husband and I are about to pass the eight year mark in our marriage. Several months ago, the thought of actually making it to our anniversary date, still together, seemed improbable to me. We had gotten to a point in our relationship where I felt the only viable solution toward happiness for myself was to no longer be together. I hadn’t fully conceptualized what that would look like or how exactly it would play out with two children involved, but I was certain that was what had to be done. 

Spoiler alert:  I no longer feel this way.

Things are not all unicorns and rainbows of marriage bliss over here. We’re still digging our way out of the trenches, breaking down walls built long ago, and figuring each other out all over again. It seems somewhere along the way we lost sight of each other and took for granted what it was exactly we loved about one another. Blame life and kids and careers and moves or whatever the “excuse of the moment” was, and we had slowly began to decouple. It started before year 7 began, but it was during that season of itching that we finally confronted it.

Our biggest flaw was that we weren’t being completely open and honest with each other. We just floated along like things were ok, even though we both secretly had our doubts. We chose easy over hard, and hoped eventually it would just get better. Of course it doesn’t work like that, relationships don’t work like that. They thrive on trust and honesty.

I’ve talked to a lot of people recently about how hard marriage truly is. My therapist, old friends, new friends, my hair stylist, and even people I barely know. If they lend an ear, I’m sure to fill it. Of course it took me a long time to get to this point of admission, but I find there’s healing in being truly vulnerable and open. There’s also power and comfort in feeling connected to someone going through similar times.

When you live several miles away from your closest friends and family, the ones that truly know you, withdrawing and pretending things are fine isn’t all that hard. In a world bursting with social media perfection, it’s easy to hide behind another cute date night selfie.

And why wouldn’t we? It feels easier to discuss our shortcomings and fears as a mom to total strangers than it is to admit unhappiness and struggles in our marriage with even our closest friends. Being vulnerable about something so intimate and personal brings on fear of judgement and embarrassment. So we keep it in, try to sort it out ourselves, constantly wondering if we’re crazy for having these thoughts or if we’re just in a rough patch and overthinking everything.  

As moms, it seems the support from other moms is instantaneous the moment we park next to each other in our minivans:

“Hi, sweet van!” + “Thanks, it has like 37 cup holders in it” = instant BFFs

But when you’re dealing with issues that go deep inside your marriage, the companionship isn’t as easy to come by. Sure we exchange texts with our best friend about what our husband forgot to do once again, or rant about how we feel we carry the brunt of the house work over drinks with the girls, but rarely do we touch on the doubts and secrets that often consume our thoughts during times of marriage hardship. It’s as if we’re afraid to share our burden with those that care for us most out of fear of driving them away.

I’m grateful that I chose to open up, and even more so that my husband did as well. Without that vulnerability, I’m not sure where we would be today. This past weekend we stayed at the same hotel we did almost eight years ago when we got married, this time with two kids in tow. So of course when a bride and her bridesmaids got onto the elevator with us, I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. I gave my congratulations and my husband followed by telling them how we had stayed at this same hotel when we got married almost eight years ago.

In that moment I didn’t feel anxiety and doubt, I felt fondness and hope. We may have survived year seven, but I hope we will thrive through year eight.

Stephanie
Stephanie lives in Shawnee with her husband and two crazy redheaded children, Jack (7) and Allison (4). When she’s not working full time as an aviation meteorologist, or trying to stop her kids from fighting, she enjoys running, knitting, attempting to bake, cheering on the Huskers (#GBR!), and catching up on her DVR. You'll often find her dragging her kids and husband to breweries around KC in search of the best IPAs the city has to offer. You can follow her day-to-day snippets on Instagram (@stephavey).