I had the rare and special experience of being pregnant at the same time as one of my coworkers. The biggest difference between this mama-to-be and myself was that I was a first-timer and she, with one son already at home, was an experienced veteran. This poor, weary woman spent a good chunk of her 9-to-5 listening to my naïve theories about prenatal yoga and natural births or answering my questions about NoseFridas and Tux pads.
It was shortly after one of my anxiety-ridden meltdowns about which diapers to use on my precious newborn’s baby butt (the answer is: whatever diaper will hold the poop in) that this patient mama finally told me to get a grip. All the worries, all the tears, all the research and review does not matter. Surely you and your baby will both survive this time, as billions of other mothers and babies have done for centuries without the latest modern gadget or the convenience of the interwebs at the tips of their fingers 24/7.
What I began to finally realize was that I was being inundated with app alerts, Facebook posts and news articles assuring me that the peaches I just ate were covered in listeria that was sure to eat my baby’s brain, that the formula I shouldn’t choose to give my baby would result in a fat, dumb, and sick child, and that, no matter what choices I made or what situations I was forced into, I was going to fail. That, in listening to what everyone else had to say, I could no longer hear myself. I was paralyzed with fear. Thank goodness someone finally pointed it out to me, or I still might be bumbling around, eyes full of tears and phone search history full of consumer reports.
I’d always been taught to learn to hear my gut and always listen to it. With a few mindful practices, I’ve transitioned from a panic-inducing pregnancy to a less panicked, sometimes even empowered, new motherhood.
- Build a tribe of trusted mothers. The best resource of information are the women in my tribe. When it came to whether I could eat lunch meat or how I should best prepare my perineum, my midwife fielded every single pregnancy and childbirth question that I had. When trying to breastfeed, I reached out to lactation consultants for the how to’s and then my breastfeeding friends for the emotional reassurance that the formula my child needed to survive was not going to make him fat, dumb, or sick. At this point in our journey, we’re dealing with things like baby-led weaning versus purees and sleep training versus co-sleeping. So, I seek out mamas who will listen to me when I ask questions or share my experiences, who will honestly share their own with me, and who won’t criticize me for making different choices. I seek safe spaces to express myself and to seek advice. Because, not every space is safe.
- Delete the apps. The first thing I did when I was pregnant was download every pregnancy app I could find! After weeks of daily reminders that I should expect that nearly every choice I made would result in my child’s disease, disfigurement, or death, I deleted all of them. While I did eventually find some fantastic apps for both pregnancy and new parenthood, I sought apps with very specific purposes. For me, this was really just a week-by-week guide in the development of my child. When it came to the other information – activities to avoid, foods to shun, supplements to consume – I relied on my tribe. I did seek out research. Consumer reports, articles about recent developments, testimonies from real moms. Which leads me to No.3…
- Consider the perspective of the information you do take in. I began to develop “filter questions” to use while reading material or listening to advice. Who is the author? Where is her expertise? What authority can I give her for her topic of choice? What are her personal values? How do we differ? How are we the same? If I am reviewing research, how was it conducted? Who conducted it? Because I like to read everything. I also know that everything will not work for my family. For example, we are a co-sleeping family, but I still read articles on sleep training. I consider all of the research on each side of the debate, to make sure that I am not doing anything to harm my child. And, when I’m convinced that his safety and well-being is confirmed, I listen to my gut to help me make the final decision. The pang of nausea I feel when my baby cries assures me that we are making the right decision in co-sleeping (safely, of course). This decision, along with many parenting choices, can be fraught with worry based on the information out there! Filtering that information can make it less overwhelming.
- Give yourself permission to follow your gut. Without justification. Note that last sentence. Without justification. This was really hard for me to do. Anticipating the “why,” whether it came from my husband or my mother or even myself. Every decision had to come with a list of reasons, especially if that decision was to say “no.” That is, until we started searching for a daycare. I walked out of the first couple of daycares, turned to my husband, and simply said “no.” Each time, he asked me why. Each time I responded the same, “I can’t tell you why. And, I don’t have to.” My gut was telling me that these places were not the right places for my son. That was enough. And somehow, in these daily efforts to hear my gut and really listen to it, I’ve calmed to the fact that I am enough. Or, my gut is.
